Highway To Armageddon Read online

  “Hey Pitbull, you look a little thirsty. Have a drink… on me!”

  I grab the bottle and hurl it at Pitbull’s face. He blocks the bottle with his robotic arm, just like I expected him to. The bottle shatters, soaking Pitbull from head to toe.

  Pitbull shakes his soaked, stringy hair, spraying droplets of alcohol everywhere. “Did you honestly expect that to faze me? All you did was piss me off!”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” I grab the lit cigar and twirl it around in my hand. “Want a smoke, too?”

  Pitbull’s glowing eyes widen as his peanut-sized brain finally figures out what I’m up to.

  “What? No, don’t---”

  If Pitbull thought his pleas for mercy were going to make me reconsider, he’s sadly mistaken. I flick the cigar at his chest. Pitbull tries to duck, but he’s too slow. The instant the cigar makes contact, Pitbull erupts in flames. Everyone in the bar stops fighting for a moment to watch the flaming cyborg run out of the saloon, screaming bloody murder. Flickers of flames fall to the floor, igniting nearby puddles of liquor. The flames quickly spread to the wooden tables and stools. Some of them even start lapping up the bottom of my jacket. I forgot I’m covered in whiskey, too!

  I tear off my jacket and toss it to the floor. That causes another fire.

  By now most of the people in the saloon are aware of the inferno. Everyone stops brawling and runs for the exit. Quite a few of the cowboys drag their unconscious foes to safety. I find it amazing they’re willing to save the very people they were just fighting. The Wild West is truly a bizarre place.

  I glance around the saloon, looking for Krystal and Boom Boom. I rush past Machete, who’s on the ground trading blows with Yin.

  “Machete, we need to go! Now!”

  Machete looks up and gasps. “Who the hell started the fire?”

  I decide not to answer. Machete stops pounding Yin and tosses her against the wall. She then runs over to Arrow, who’s still slumped over on the floor, and lifts him over her shoulder. She snatches up his bow and arrows, too.

  Grunting under Arrow’s weight, Machete says, “Grab the girls and let’s roll.”

  A load creaking sound reverberates throughout the saloon. I look up just as a flaming rafter dislodges from the roof and plummets toward me. Machete and I barely jump out of the way in time.

  “Like I said, let’s go,” Machete says, barging toward the exit.

  I turn around and nearly collide into Krystal. She has her arm around the bartender’s shoulder, helping him hobble out.

  “Where’s Boom Boom?” Krystal gasps.

  “I don’t know. I…”

  I trail off when I spot her over by the bar, at the opposite end where Pitbull and I were just brawling. She’s on her knees, crouched over a body… the body of a young girl. Dorothy is kneeling, too, with her head in her hands. Some black cowboy dude is slouched against the wall as well, with blood trickling down his face. I think it’s the guy Dorothy and Sally called ‘Big Daddy’.

  Sally!

  I look back at the body. A lump forms in my throat as I begin to realize what happened.

  “I… I’ll go get her,” I stammer.

  “Well hurry up,” Krystal calls after me. “This place is going up in smoke!”

  I dash over to Boom Boom and slide next to her. Sally’s eyes are closed and her face is snow-white. Boom Boom is pressing a blood-soaked jacket against her chest, but it does little to stop the hemorrhaging. The lump in my throat grows larger. It’s not fair that someone like Sally would meet her end it such a horrific way. No young girl should have to suffer what she went through.

  Part of the second floor balcony suddenly collapses. I gently tug on Boom Boom’s arm. “We have to go, now.”

  Boom Boom turns to me, as if she’s just noticing for the first time that I’m by her side. She’s still wearing her shades, but I can see the tears streaming down her cheeks.

  Boom Boom lifts her shades and wipes her eyes. In a cracked voice she says, “Okay. C’mon, Dorothy, we need to get out of here.”

  Boom Boom and I stand up, but Dorothy remains at Sally’s side. “Now, we can’t leave her!”

  I reach for Dorothy’s arm. “I’m sorry, but it’s too late for her. If we stay any longer…”

  “No!” Dorothy screams, backing away from my outstretched hand. “Either she comes with us, or I stay!”

  The crackling roof releases a terrifying groan. Flaming pieces of wood rain down on top of us. The whole place could cave at any moment.

  “Alright, we’ll take her. But we need to move!”

  I cradle Sally’s lifeless body in my arms. Boom Boom grabs Dorothy’s hand and follows me to the door.

  I burst through the swinging door just as the creaking roof begins to crumble. I spin around and shout, “Boom Boom, hurry!”

  I watch in horror as the roof collapses. Boom Boom and Dorothy dive through the door literally a split-second before the flaming wreckage slams to the ground. They collide into me and we all tumble off the porch.

  I lay on the ground for a few seconds before lifting my head. I’m so close to the flaming remnants of the saloon that my skin begins to roast. I grab Sally’s arm and scoot us back as far as I can. Dorothy and Boom Boom scoot back as well.

  Boom Boom coughs, clearing her lungs of acrid smoke. “That was too close.”

  I watch as some of the flames from the saloon spread to nearby stores. If this fire isn’t put out soon, it could engulf the entire town. Then again, maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

  The bartender marches over and points a quivering finger at me. “You did this! You and your miserable friends! You burned down my saloon!”

  Machete, Arrow, and Krystal make their way over. Krystal puts her hands on her hips and says, “Quit your complaining. We did you a favor. Your saloon was a dump. Just cash in the insurance and move on!”

  “We don’t have insurance in the Wild West!” the bartender shouts.

  All the cowboys from the saloon begin to surround us. A lot of them have their pistols out.

  “This doesn’t look good, guys,” I mutter.

  “Just stay calm,” Boom Boom whispers. “Don’t provoke an altercation.”

  “But I hate being calm,” Machete growls.

  We’re seconds way from being sucked into a Wild West shootout when the sheriff rides over on his horse. He’s followed by his deputies and the fake bank robbers.

  “What in tarnation is going on here?” the sheriff shouts.

  The bartender points at us. “Those hoodlums burned down my saloon! And now the fire’s spreading to the rest of the city!”

  This point is emphasized when people run out of the neighboring stores, screaming, “Fire! Fire!”

  The sheriff scowls. “Wait a minute, you’re the same twerps who attacked my actors. You just can’t seem to stay out of trouble, can ya?”

  “It’s hard,” Krystal answers honestly. “It’s real hard.”

  The sheriff turns to one of his deputies. “Go fetch the fire department, Larry. If we don’t get this fire under control, the whole town will go up like a tinderbox. Mr. Blackbird will have our hides if such a travesty were to occur.”

  “Yes sir,” the deputy says. He pulls on the reins of his horse and kicks his side. The horse neighs and takes off at a gallop, kicking up a trail of dust behind him.

  The sheriff reaches for his gun. “Now listen here, fellas. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. It’s totally up to you.”

  Arrow notches an arrow onto his bow. “The hard way sounds more fun.”

  The sheriff cocks his gun. The sound of dozens of other pistols being cocked rings out across the dusty street.

  Krystal, Boom Boom, and Machete whip out their guns out as well. My gun, of course, is a piece of crap that doesn’t work. I unsheathe a blade and flip it around in my hands.

  “This should be fun,” Machete says. “We can shoot our way out as if it were a real-life western.”

  Boom Bo
om hands Dorothy a spare gun. It’d be nice if she gave it to me. I feel like an idiot bringing a knife to a gun fight.

  “I… I never fired a gun before,” Dorothy stammers.

  “It’s simple,” Boom Boom says. “Just aim it at a cowboy and pull the trigger.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  Dorothy aims the gun at the sheriff.

  “Uh, wait Dorothy,” I say, lunging for her arm.

  BLAM!

  I’m too late. Boom Boom pulls the trigger and the sheriff topples off of his horse. He crumples to the ground and grabs his bleeding shoulder. “Help! I’ve been shot!”

  Machete slaps Dorothy on her back. “Nice shot, girlie. Next time, though, aim for the heart.”

  “Sorry,” Dorothy exclaims. “I didn’t mean to!”

  “Get em!” one of the deputies shouts.

  All the cowboys fire their guns. Luckily they’re drunk, so their aims are horrible.

  Me, Boom Boom, and the rest of the gang scatter. A few shots nick my Kevlar vest, but nothing hits my flesh. I’m sure that will change the longer this goes on.

  Pretty soon bullets are flying everywhere, shattering windows and ripping apart buildings. I grab Dorothy’s wrist and yank her behind some barrels of molasses.

  “Omigod, omigod, omigod!” Dorothy cries. “What is going on?”

  “This is what happens when you shoot first. Usually we try a little diplomacy before we start blasting people.”

  “Sorry, I’m new at this.” Dorothy’s hands are shaking violently and she has her gun aimed directly at me. I push her trembling hands in the opposite direction.

  “We’re going to get out of this, but you’ve got to remain calm.”

  “O… okay. I… I’ll try.”

  I peek out from behind the barrels just in time to see Yin and Yang leap off the roof of a one-story pharmacy across the street.

  “The bounty hunters are ours!” Yin yells, hurling throwing stars at several cowboys. It turns out the old saying is true: the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Just moments ago Yin and Yang were trying to hack us to bits, but now they’re helping us fend off an army of cowboys… so they can eventually hack us to bits. My brain hurts from trying to process it all.

  I grab Dorothy’s gun and fire several shots. I hit one cowboy in the arm and another in the ass. (I have no idea why he turned around.) I duck behind my barrel a few seconds later when a bombardment of bullets flies my way. Dorothy crouches into a ball and plunges her fingers in her ears.

  After the onslaught of bullets dies down, I peek back out to see how my friends are faring. Krystal is hiding behind a horse cart, occasionally emerging to fire off shots. Boom Boom, Arrow, and Machete are doing most of the work, leaping from hiding place to hiding place, taking down cowboys with insanely accurate gunshots. And of course Yin and Yang are making quick work of the cowboy army, especially since they’re not as hesitant as we are to use lethal force.

  Arrow and Machete are close enough that I can hear them shouting at each other.

  “Arrow, take a horse and go get the car!” Machete shouts over the BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! of her pistol.

  “No, I’m not leaving you guys!”

  “Damn it, Arrow, we don’t have time to argue! Go get the Moon Cruiser and pick us up! These cowboys are coming out of the woodwork.”

  Arrow finally gives in to Machete’s demands and runs into an alley. He emerges a moment later on horseback, galloping down the street under a hail of gunfire, kicking up a trail of dust behind him. Somehow, someway, he doesn’t get hit.

  I turn my attention back to the swelling army of cowboys. Several bullets obliterate our barrels, forcing us out of hiding. I grab Dorothy yet again and yank her behind a casket outside the tombstone place.

  I no more than jump up to fire my gun when a gleaming throwing star whizzes past my head, grazing my right ear. The star imbeds into a tombstone directly behind me.

  Yang hops over, wielding her sword. “We have business to settle,” she growls before swinging her blade down over my head.

  Dorothy and I jump back. The sword cleaves the casket in two, in the exact spot I was just standing. I scoot back until I bump into the tombstone.

  “What’s going on, Yang? I thought we were teaming up against the cowboys!”

  “You thought wrong.” Yang comes at me again. I roll out of the way just as the blade slices the tombstone in half

  Dorothy snatches my gun and fires it at Yang, but she misses. Yang retaliates by kicking Dorothy in the face. Dorothy yelps and tumbles into the open casket. Yang spins around and kicks me in the gut. I stumble backwards, struggling not to fall.

  Yang charges toward me, swinging her sword like a lunatic. I continue backing up until I stumble over the bottom step of a restaurant. Yang swings her sword at me, which I narrowly avoid by rolling out of the way. I leap onto the porch and grab a small chair. I heave the chair at Yang, who simply ducks to avoid it. She then kicks me in the neck. I fall through the restaurant’s front door and collapse onto the floor.

  I glance around to find the restaurant deserted. And for good reason; the back wall is on fire.

  Yang barges in after me and continues trying to slice me in half. I grab a silver platter and hurl it at Yang’s head, which she deflects with her sword. That gives me a chance to whip out my mace and blast her in the eyes. Yang shrieks and covers her face.

  I turn to bolt out the door and nearly collide into Dorothy.

  “What are you doing?” I shout. “This whole place is about to burn down!”

  Dorothy looks up at the flaming ceiling and gasps. “I… I was just coming to help you. I--- look out!”

  Dorothy shoves me to the floor and falls on top of me. Yang’s sword just barely misses her.

  By now the quick-moving fire has engulfed the back of the restaurant, the ceiling, and the walls. Only the front hasn’t been scorched. The thick black smoke billowing through the room makes it hard to see, even with my goggles on. I shove Dorothy toward the door. “Get out of here! I’m right behind you!”

  Dorothy hesitates a moment before hurrying outside.

  I turn to Yang. She’s still aimlessly attacking the air. I grab a pot off a table and bash her over the head. She crumples to the floor.

  I’m almost tempted to leave her behind, but I really don’t want her to burn alive. I didn’t want Pitbull to catch on fire, either, I just didn’t have a choice.

  I grab Yang’s feet and drag her through the door. We make it just in time, too. The ceiling caves in the instant we step onto the porch. I seriously have no idea why we always cut things so damn close.

  Dorothy runs over to check on me. I wipe away the sweat pouring down my face and take in my surroundings. Dozens of wounded cowboys litter the street. Boom Boom, Krystal, and Machete are still exchanging shots from behind overturned horse carts. Yin is with them as well, hurling throwing stars. Dorothy and I dive toward Boom Boom’s bullet-riddled horse car and crouch down.

  Boom Boom changes out an ammunition cartridge. “Nice of you to join us.”

  “We were preoccupied.” I peek out over the top of the horse cart and fire off a shot, hitting a cowboy in the shoulder.

  “Where’s Arrow?” I ask, dropping back to the ground. “We’re wasting all of our bullets on these clowns when we should be saving them for Alaska.”

  “I have no freaking clue,” Boom Boom shouts over the roar of her gun. Bullet casings fly out and smack me in the arm.

  The cowboys close in on us, pounding us with bullets. And reinforcements continue to pile into the street. It’ll take a miracle for us to get out of this mess alive.

  And it’s a miracle we get. Just when all hope seems to be lost, a horrifying scream signals our salvation. The army of cowboys stops firing for a moment and watches in stunned silence as a scorched, deformed monster emerges from a back alley.

  “Dear God, is that… is that Pitbull?” Boom Boom whispers.

  I use the binocular function on my goggles to zoom i
n on the monster. When I get a glimpse of his face it takes everything I have not to gag. The monster’s face is completely black. There’s no hair on his head, save for a few singed strands on the sides. Red eyes peek out from under the mass of rotted flesh that makes up what’s left of his face. A gleaming, metallic arm dangles from his side. His clothes look damp, as if he just jumped into a pond.

  The creature formally known as Pitbull shrieks in pain every time he takes a step forward. “I’m going to kill you, Lance! If it’s the last thing I do, I will kill you!”

  A few cowboys rush over and open fire on him. Pitbull blocks most of the bullets with his arm, while his Kevlar vest protects him from the rest.

  Pitbull snatches the nearest cowboy’s shotgun and snaps it in half. He then grabs the cowboy’s neck and squeezes it. A sickening snapping sound rings out across the street. The cowboy plummets to the ground.

  The other cowboys throw down their guns and run in the opposite direction. Pitbull lumbers toward me, snarling like a wounded beast.

  Yin elbows Machete in the face and wields her sword. “Give yourselves up and we’ll go easy on you.”

  “I’m tired of you and your dingbat sister running your mouths,” Krystal says, whipping out her taser.

  “Wait, no!” Yin shouts, but she’s too late. Krystal pulls the trigger and Yin collapses as a barrage of electricity courses through her quivering body.

  By now most of the cowboys have run off. I guess they’re terrified of a scorched cyborg who seems impervious to gunshots. To be honest, I kind of am, too.

  When Pitbull gets within 20 feet of us I zap him in the neck with my taser.

  Only he doesn’t go down.

  “Oh crap,” I mutter, backing away. “This isn’t good… this isn’t good at all.”

  Pitbull screams grow louder, but he keeps lurching forward.

  “I’ll kill you!” he shrieks as a chunk of his flesh detaches from his cheek. “I’ll kill you all!”

  “I really didn’t want to do this, but…”

  Boom Boom aims her gun at Pitbull’s forehead.

  She’s going to kill him.

  Before Boom Boom pulls the trigger, the Moon Cruiser lands behind us. Boom Boom lowers her gun. She only kills when it’s absolutely necessary; now that Arrow’s here I guess she doesn’t feel the need to blow Pitbull’s brains out.